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Thursday night’s episode of Big Brother 13 kicked off with Head of Household Daniele happy as can be that Brendon is on the eviction block. All of her “Big Brother dreams” are coming true!

Jordan, however, is still nervous about being up as the pawn against Brendon even with all the reassurance from pretty much everyone in the house that she will not be voted out. She hopes they are being honest because she has a special “eviction dress” for when/if she gets eliminated.

Rachel, of course, is in full freak out, emotional, drama mode now that her boyfriend is about to get the boot. She weeps and wails and poor whipping boy Brendon has to comfort her and tell her it will be okay. Meanwhile, Brendon is actually kind of proud of himself for going “out with a bang” and being all chivalrous and stuff. (Insert barfing noises here.)

No one really gets why Brendon decided to use the Power of Veto for Rachel instead of himself. (Frankly, I don’t either, the girl is horrible at the social game in the house and it would take a miracle for her to win.) Jeff is left wondering how he is going to deal with Rachel without Brendon. “When every piece of fruit and vegetable she looks at reminds her of Brendon, I’m going to rip my hair out,” Jeff moans.

Daniele is pretty sure she has enough votes to get Brendon out as planned. She believes she firmly has Lawon, Kalia and Jeff’s votes, but wants to make sure she has enough other newbie votes.

Porsche is planning to vote against Jordan because Rachel will be mad at her if she doesn’t and she doesn’t want her to get upset. Rachel and Brendon try to rope in Adam by promising to keep him safe the rest of the summer, but he is not committing to anything because Jeff would so come after him. Shelly basically just keeps everyone in the house thinking she is going to support them and she’s just still the sweetest lady in there you know! (Sweet as antifreeze that one.) What the hell, BTW, is up with Porsche’s earrings???

Daniele asks Adam if they are still good with each other because she’s worried that Brendon and Rachel are “happy all of a sudden.” Adam tells Daniele he is open to reasoning from everyone and refuses to commit to her either. In the Diary Room, Adam claims he is still unsure who he will vote for.

Next Daniele corners Porsche and tries to wiggle her to vote against Brendon, telling her she will have a better chance in the game if he leaves. “They will lie to every single person to get what they want,” she says. “They will literally try to sell their first child.”

Rachel walks in on Daniele and Porsche and she’s obviously pissed about the two of them talking behind closed doors. Rachel whines to the cameras that Porsche should just “take a knife right now and gut me” if she is going to switch sides and vote against Brendon.

Later Rachel asks Porsche if she is still on her side and Porsche says she is. She also tells Rachel she needs to “stop with the sad thing” and chill because her drama is not doing her any favors. Rachel gets mad and storms off, of course. Brendon criticizes Porshe for badgering Rachel. Rachel starts screaming aobut how “nobody is going to vote for us.” Porsche just leaves with a parting comment of “I can’t help you now girl.”

Naturally, the minute they are out of earshot of the other houseguests, Brendon himself tells Rachel she needs to calm down. “You’re screwing yourself by doing this,” he tells her. He asks if it was a mistake that he saved her from eviction. She shoots back that oh yeah, it totally was and so was “asking me to marry you!” Nasty! Of course, minutes later they are snuggling and all lovey dovey again. (Insert more barfing noises here.)

After all that gross Brenchel crap again, we get to one of the actual fun parts of the evening, seeing Evel Dick Donato again! Evel Dick says in an interview that if he had not had to leave the Big Brother 13 house, he would have never let Daniele play so stupidly. He says the original veteran alliance was “one of the best alliances in Big Brother history.”

Evel Dick also disses Daniele for laying around in bed with Dominic and being such a big flirt with him because it painted him with a big fat target. (Big Brother shows clips comparing Daniele’s flirting with Dominic to her flirting with Nick on season 8.) He says Daniele targeting Jeff the previous week was a huge mistake because before that she was in the best position in the house. He thinks she should have waited until at least week eight to target the couples. Still, he says, she’s a great competittor and could still win even if she has a lot of ground to make up.

Host Julie Chen interviews Daniele next. Daniele says her only game play regret was in going after Jeff too early. She says she thinks her dad will probably be critical of her game play but also support her. As for her current arch nemesis Rachel, Daniele says there is absolutely no chance of them making up. Daniele says Rachel feels she is splitting up a marriage, not a couple in the house. “She’s only going to play personal and attack people on apersonal level… the rest of her game is going to be to get me out of this house…”

Time comes for the eviction vote and final pleas from Brendon and Jordan. Brendon just says he misses his family and tries to cheer Rachel up while he gets all teary. Jordan doesn’t really say much because, well, she pretty much knows she isn’t going home.

Jeff votes to evict Brendon
Rachel votes to evict Jordan
Kalia votes to evict Brendon
Adam votes to evict Brendon
Porsche votes to evict Jordan
Lawon votes to evict Brendon
Shelly votes to evict Brendon

Brendon is evicted and hugs Rachel endlessly, telling her to win Head of Household for him. In his exit interview with Julie, Brendon says “love is a crazy thing” and we believe it — this boy is certifiably insane. He says he thinks he might have had a little better chance of staying longer than Rachel, but you now, he’s in LOVE and all that. He says he thinks Daniele is still living in Evel Dick’s shadow.

In final goodbyes, Kalia gives it to Brendon hard, saying she has “no clue why you are so arrogant.” Jordan says she wants an invitation to Rachel and Brendon’s wedding. Daniele is a wanker. Rachel cries and says “at least our babies will see our love story on DVD.” Oh god, please don’t let those two breed…

Before the Head of Household competition, Julie reveals there will be another new twist to the game. She says the next houseguest evicted from the show will have a chance to return to the game. What they don’t know and Julie tells us, is that one of the four previously evicted houseguests will have a competition against the next person eliminated to see which one gets to go back in the house. The four evicted houseguests have been kept in isolation the whole time. America gets to vote on which one will get to compete to come back on the show.

Please, everyone, for god’s sake go vote for Cassi. Dominic doesn’t deserve it because he was stupid to get cozy with Daniele. Keith was boring. Brendon and Rachel should never be on screen together again. Cassi is the only good choice, she was robbed! (And looks really hot in a bikini!)

The Head of Household game is a knockout “Checkmate” question round with two at a time facing off. The houseguests are questioned about the first three evicted houseguests. Jordan is knocked out first, followed by Lawon, Adam, Rachel, Jeff and Porsche. In the end, the battle is down to two newbies, Shelly and Kalia. Kalia beats out Shelly to become the first newbie Head of Household.

Unless things change radically in the Big Brother 13 house, this likely means that Daniele is safe for another week and will be whispering into Kalia’s ear exactly what she should be doing as HOH. Also, this means Rachel is going to bitch, bitch, whine, cry all week long. Sigh.

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