!SPOILER ALERT! – Big Brother 13 Fortune Teller Comes Alive!

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The Big Brother 13 Fortune Teller has finally come alive to torment the remaining houseguests. The houseguests have been mucking with the Fortune Teller all season but so far she hasn’t been doing much of anything. Now Crystal the Fortune Teller has woken up to hound the houseguests with clues to the next Head of Household Competition.

The Fortune Teller woke up and introduced herself to the houseguests on Monday around 9:35PM BBT. She hands out her first ‘fortune’ just before 9:45PM BBT. “In 2018, Shelly will make millions when her book, “How I created the perfect tan and how you tan too,” reaches number 3 on the all-time best seller list.”

Throughout the night, Crystal the Fortune Teller keeps waking up the houseguests to deliver more fortunes, which will presumably be the information the contestants will need to memorize for the next Head of Household Competition.

Here are the rest of the predictions from the Fortune Teller for the houseguests to memorize:

“In 2017, after the hot Miami sun becomes too much for her to bear, Porsche will move to Anchorage, Alaska and buy an igloo with an Eskimo named Ernie.”

“In 2014, Jeff will disappear from society. He will be last seen wander the Chicago streets muttering only two words: clown shoe”

“On October 15th, 2011 at 3:42PM, Daniele will reconcile with her father Dick. On October 15th 2011 at 3:49PM, they will go back to not speaking.”

“In 2014, after sleeping for 19 straight days and making national headlines in a sleep study, Kalia will earn her dream job as a mattress and pillow tester.”

“In 2016 Lawon will take New York Fashion Week by storm when he launches his Handsomefied line of hats, ties, and jackets.”

“After taking 9 years to earn his PhD, Brendon will shock physicians and scholars alike after discovering a cure for an ailment that plagued him his entire life: Athlete’s Foot.”

“In 2020, Adam will file for bankruptcy after investing his life savings into a line of bacon-scented, heavy metal teddy bears for children.”

“In 2018, Rachel will give birth to a 9lb 6oz bouncing baby boy, naming it Bookie Jr. after its proud father.”

“In 2012, Cassi will land a role alongside international megastar, David Hasselhoff, in the countrified Baywatch reboot, Riverwatch.”

“In 2015, Evel Dick will start a Christmas tradition by bringing gifts to heavily-tattooed orphans, changing his name from Evel Dick to Old Saint Dick.”

“In 2013, Dominic will grace the cover of Seventeen magazine with the headline “Total Dom-ination.” He’ll dethrone pop-sensation, Justin Bieber as America’s favorite heartthrob.”

“In 2015, Keith will land a job hosting a new dating show called Love Rejection. But it will be short-lived after it’s revealed he tried to date all 29 female contestants.”

“In 2011 after the runaway success of the Humilitard, Jordan will launch a line of Humilitard-inspired items including the Humilicar, the Humilifier, and then Humilibake oven.”

After this last fortune at around 11:20PM BBT, the Fortune Teller goes on repeat, continuing to awaken the houseguests throughout the night. Crystal finally shuts up just before 6AM BBT, leaving the houseguests to finally get some uniterrupted sleep. (Although Rachel apparently got more than most since she missed several of the repeats.)

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