Big Brother 15 Houseguest McCrae Olson has come out in a big way. No, he hasn’t confessed he is gay. Instead, he’s pretty much admitted the whole time he was involved with fellow Big Brother 15 cast member Amanda Zuckerman, he was thinking about another woman.
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In a public letter published on Wednesday, McCrae Olson professed undying love for his ex-girlfriend Jessica, which talked about on the Big Brother 15 Live Feeds. He also pretty much stated that his whole relationship with Amanda Zuckerman was a mistake and he regrets it immensely.
We first learned about McCrae’s ex-girlfriend Jessica on the Big Brother Live Feeds when mentioned her a few times. During one conversation noted by BigBrotherSpice.com with eventual BB15 winner Andy Herren, McCrae talked about being worried Jessica was watching the show and being “like super pissed.” McCrae and Jessica apparently broke up not long before he entered the Big Brother house, and their parting was not pleasant.
“The hardest part is knowing that she’s like, tuning in every episode,” McCrae said, “and then she sees something like me and Amanda, and she’s probably like, ‘f**k! and she’s pissed off.” He also told Andy at the time that he had “been thinking about Jess a lot.”
Well, it seems that McCrae never did stop thinking about Jessica while he was with Amanda or now that they’ve broken up. In a very long letter posted on Twitter on Wednesday, McCrae declared his continued love for his ex-girlfriend and talked about how being with Amanda was his “biggest regret.”
Here are a few of the more emotional excerpts from the letter:
“I am writing this because I can’t do it anymore. I’m living a lie. My days and nights are consumed with thinking about you and remembering all the times we spent together. Every song on the radio is another painful reminder of how I threw away the best thing I ever had all for the chance of winning some money.”
” I now realize that I sacrificed one dream for the possibility of money, and I’ve never made such an awful decision. I threw away everything we ever had for the chance to win money. People ask me about my biggest regret in the game and I always answer some game related answer about I shoulda did this or I shoulda did that. What I always want to tell them though is that I regret throwing away the love I had with you, just to try to better myself in the game. “
“I keep trying to push it down and forget it but I can’t, I’m still in love with you. I know we have been through all this before and I know that I suck. But I learned something from big brother. I learned that money can’t buy happiness. Even if I did win the game I would still be miserable without you.”
“The therapist said she has never seen someone be depressed on tv, in front of cameras, or just in general while filming a tv show. I was the first. She then went onto tell me that I should talk to you as soon as I get out of the house. She realized that the reason I would go into depression in the house is because I was remorseful and regretful of the choices I made concerning you. She knew that I was still In love with you.”
“I’m done being stupid and I’m done being a child. I want to be an adult. I don’t ever want to do these things to you again. I want to be the person im supposed to be. I want to treat you right. I want to treat you the way you need to be treated. I want to put you before myself. I want to try one more time. I want to work my way back. Gah….”
You can read the full letter from McCrae to Jessica here.
After the letter was posted on Twitter, McCrae’s other now ex-girlfriend, fellow BB15 Houseguest Amanda Zuckerman, piped up on her Twitter account with the following succinct message:
That was the letter that ended us. Thank you for sharing it with the world @mccraechum. I’m done for today. Enjoy the drama.
— Amanda Zuckerman (@AMANDAZUCKERMAN) March 26, 2014